Mad Men’s Don Draper weighs in on woke beer
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, all I know about advertising comes from watching old episodes of Mad Men. So, just as I imagined Greta Thunberg running her Mars climate change ad past the denizens of Cooper Sterling Draper Pryce, I now present the scenario of the CEOs of Anheuser Busch and the Miller Brewing Company coming to the iconic, fictional ad agency, hats in hand, asking for advice on how to save their companies from the fallout of very, unwise, woke ad campaigns.
To recap what has gone on so far, Bud Light, for reasons no one can fathom, decided to hire a trans woman named Dylan Mulvaney as its spokesperson. She appeared in a video dressed like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s with cans of beer with her image on it.
The response of the Bud Light customers was swift and devastating. Sales of Bud Light cratered. Another commercial that featured a group of fresh-faced young people, none of whom suffer from gender dysphoria, enjoying Bud Light in the rain did not save the situation.
Miller decided to say, in effect, “Hold my beer” and performed its own get woke, go broke marketing play. The video, which actually was released a couple of months ago, went viral, depicting a feminist excoriating Miller for ads that featured beautiful women in bikinis. Uttering the dubious claim that women invented the art of brewing, which is as historically accurate as the idea that Cleopatra was black, the woman vows to make things right by shredding all of the print ads with bikini-clad women on them to make compost to grow hops that will then be donated to woman brewers.
I imagine Don Draper leaning back in his chair, a lit cigarette in his hand, asking, “Gentlemen, what were those ads trying to sell?”
The two CEOs glance at each other and then respond, “Beer?”
Draper replies, “I don’t think so. You — -“ He points at the Anheuser Busch CEO. “ — were selling the idea that men who wear dresses are cool. You — ” He points at the Miller CEO. “ — -were selling the idea that men are jerks, beautiful women are undesirable, and women invented brewing, the latter of which would come as a surprise to the Ancient Egyptians and certain orders of medieval monks.
“Furthermore, you insulted your customer base, primarily working-class men and college students. What were you thinking?”
“So, what do we do?”
“Gentlemen, frankly, I’m not sure that there is anything you can do. You’ve nuked each of your brands so thoroughly that no ad campaign I can develop will save you. My suggestion is that you merge your two companies and come up with a new brand of beer, unrelated to Bud Light or Miller Lite. We can certainly come up with some names, tested by our marketing research department, and a campaign to introduce the new beer to the public.”
The two CEOs, properly chastened, stand up. They shake hands with Draper and promise to take what he had to say into advisement. Then they leave the office,
Don Draper puts out his cigarette in an ash tray and pour himself a scotch. Then he picks up his office phone, “Peggy, get everybody in here. We’ve got some work to do.”
Mark Whittington, who writes frequently about space policy, has published a political study of space exploration entitled Why is It So Hard to Go Back to the Moon? as well as The Moon, Mars and Beyond, and, most recently, Why is America Going Back to the Moon? He blogs at Curmudgeons Corner. He is published in the Wall Street Journal, Forbes, The Hill, USA Today, the LA Times, and the Washington Post, among other venues.
